


softer than you think

by loonyBibliophile



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: (but NOT my normal autistic cass verse!), Autistic Cassandra Cillian, F/M, Fluff, coda fic, s4e07 coda, s4e07 episode tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 01:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13284474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyBibliophile/pseuds/loonyBibliophile
Summary: When Ezekiel had yelled at her on the deck, out over the lake, Cassandra had felt her heart drop into the deepest pit of her stomach. She could handle a lot of things, but the disappointment of the one team member who had always, always, always believed in her, always taken her side, was not one of them.





	softer than you think

When Ezekiel had yelled at her on the deck, out over the lake, Cassandra had felt her heart drop into the deepest pit of her stomach. She could handle a lot of things, but the disappointment of the one team member who had always, always, always believed in her, always taken her side, was not one of them. But then there was the suitcase in the lake, and DOSA and Jake and there just wasn’t any time to talk about it. To apologize. To explain. She’d felt that same disappointment again, when she talked about Band Camp, and she wants to drop everything and tell him why, why everything has always been movies and books for her, but the library comes first. So she waits. She gets her chance on the bus home. 

They’d chosen to go on the last one, the emptiest one, and before Ezekiel can settle into a seat, she grabs his wrist and drags him to the very back of the bus, pulling him into a bench seat with her. 

“I need to talk to you.” she says quietly, twisting her hands in the hem of her skirt over and over again. 

“Listen, Caz, I know I shouldn’t have yelled at you at the lake, I was just—”

“No, no, Zekiel, I wanted to apologize. I didn’t consider your feelings, and that was wrong, and cruel. But I also want to explain. And it doesn’t make up for it, but at least it will help you understand.” 

Cassandra sighed, and Ezekiel watched her, curious. She scrunched up her face, her eyes shut tight, her hands still fisted in her skirt. 

“There’s a reason,” she said after a long silence, moving her hands to tuck her hair behind her ears, fiddling with the loose curls “that I always take my cues from books and movies, and things like that.”

“I know, Cassandra. You were the weird smart kid, and then there was the brain grape and—”

“No, it’s… it’s more than that. Or, it’s not just that, or something. I haven’t told anyone on the team about this. I think Flynn might have guessed and I guess it’s possible Eve or Jake has, but it’s definitely outside and way past Jenkins’ general realm of knowledge.” she exhaled again, slow and purposeful, still tugging on her hair “I use books and movies and previous situations as scripts. It’s how I navigate social situations because I don’t know how to extrapolate appropriate reactions and social behaviors. I’m autistic, Ezekiel.” 

“Oh.” is all Ezekiel says. He’s not really sure what the protocol is here. Anything he could think to say seems trite or awkward or offensive or dismissive. After all, his likability is based on a naturally charismatic personality, not his technical skill with social graces. 

“Obviously mental illnesses and disabilities aren’t an excuse for poor behavior, I just wanted you to know I wasn’t being willfully malignant! I just truly didn’t know. I always thought that’s what people did at camp.”

“It’s okay, Caz. I’m pretty sure I was overreacting. I don’t exactly have good memories of summer camp, and I’m not an especially outdoorsy guy to begin with, so we were both working with a disadvantage.” he smiles, nudging her with his shoulder, and she nods and beams at him before laying her head on his shoulder. 

“I’m still sorry. You’re the last person on the team I’d want to have mad at me.”

“I didn’t know I was quite that intimidating.” Ezekiel says with a smirk. Cassandra has the gall to let out a snort of laughter. 

“That’s not why, Zekiel.” she says softly, winding both her arms around his elbow. “You trusted me and believed in me and backed me up when no one else on our little team would. That’s important to me. You’re important to me.”

“Why haven’t you told the team? I’m not trying to pressure you, or anything, I’m just curious.”

“Eve and Jake… I love them, really, but they’ve always seen me as so fragile, so on the edge of death or complete breakdown. I didn’t want to give them another reason to feel that way. You’re different. I think that’s why I pranked you, and not Eve or Jake. You’ve always been the only one willing to tease me, treat me like I’m not breakable. I was trying to return the favor, in a really strange way.” she glanced up at him from where her head laid on his shoulder, and her mind and body flooded with relief at the soft look in his eyes and the smile on his lips. 

“Well next time maybe settle for just name calling, alright? Then we’ll be even.” 

“It’s a deal.” Cassandra says with a grin. She tilts her head, thinking. “How do you make a deal at camp?”

“We have three options. Blood oath, spit shake, pinkie promise.” Ezekiel gives her an evil grin, and Cassandra balks. “Pinkie promise it is.” 

He extends his pinkie, crooking it slightly, and smiles. Cassandra grins back, twisting her own pinkie around his. She lets their hands drop down between them, but leaves them intertwined as the bus travels through the woods. When the bus drops them off in the city near the annex, they’re both dozing against the window, and Eve hesitates to wake them up, but they really do all need to backdoor back into the library. 

“Cass!” Ezekiel calls out, once they’re all back in the annex, shuffling through papers and books in companionable silence. “C’mon. We’re going somewhere.” 

He walks up behind her, dropping an arm around her neck and shoulders and tugging, much the same way she had done to him back at camp. She grins, and follows along. 

“Where are we going?”

“To get you some of that ‘real life experience’ I mentioned back at camp.” 

With a smile, he fired up the back door and pulled Cassandra through. They emerged onto an Australian beach, where the sun had long set. 

“The only good thing,” Ezekiel said sagely “about summer camp, is bonfires. Technically that weird ass camp had a campfire or two but not quite to my liking.”

“Oh? And what makes a fire to Ezekiel Jones’ liking?” Cassandra smirked, looping her arms around his elbow. 

“Well it has to be on a beach, for starters.” he leads her to a fire pit, dug deep into the sand, surrounded by worn makeshift driftwood benches. Cassandra sits on the edge of one, leaning her elbows on her knees and crossing her ankles. Ezekiel sits down beside her and shrugs a bag off of one shoulder. “And there have to be marshmallows. None of that slow roasted nonsense Stone does, either, we eat marshmallows like proper people do here.” 

Cassandra laughs as Ezekiel spears two marshmallows onto a stick and hands it to her before he leans over to light the fire. It only takes a moment to crackle fully to life, and Cassandra can already feel the combination of crackling fire and ocean waves relaxing her. He spears two more marshmallows on another stick, for himself, and plunges the whole thing directly into the flames, igniting and charring the marshmallows. She raises her eyebrows, alarmed, but watches wordlessly as he pulls them from the fire and blows them out. He bites the one on the end directly off the stick, and melting sugar sticks to his chin. 

“Come on. Try it. I promise, this is absolutely the best way to eat roasted marshmallows. Here, take mine.” 

Carefully, Ezekiel tugs the second burnt marshmallow off the stick and holds it out for Cassandra. She narrows her eyes at it, and then leans forward and bites half of it off, right out of Ezekiel’s hand. While he’s processing that particular development and trying to think how he’s going to get the marshmallow mess off his hands, Cassandra’s eyes light up. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, this is so much better.” she says, incredulous, as she immediately shoves her own marshmallows into the flames. Ezekiel laughs, smiling at her, and spears two new marshmallows for himself, then rests the bag between their knees. 

“I told you! When I have I ever lead you astray, Caz?” he said playfully, nudging her shoulder with his. 

“Never. And you never would.” Cassandra answers, looking at him straight on, her voice strangely serious. The weight of the moment is broken slightly by the melted marshmallow stuck to her lower lip, and Ezekiel swallows hard, his chest feeling heavy. Steeling his nerves, he smiled softly and reached out, wiping the marshmallow away, the pad of his thumb brushing her lower lip. That was all he was going to do. All he was willing to do. 

Ezekiel didn’t think Cassandra was fragile, not at all. But he was all too aware just how little living she’d been allowed to do, been able to do. And she trusted him, longer and more and in a way the others on the team didn’t. If she didn’t feel the things he thought she might, the things he felt, he wouldn’t risk her trust. Wouldn’t risk her. Wouldn’t risk them, whatever they were or would be. 

“It’s okay.” Cassandra said, her eyes flitting between him and her shoes, her fingers on her free hand twisting in her skirt. “You can… you can kiss me. But only if it’s real, and not an apology or pity or messing around or—” her fingers, wound tight into her skirts, released suddenly in surprise as Ezekiel cut off her rambling by leaning in and pressing his lips to hers. It was soft, and his lips were soft and his skin was warm and he tasted like campfire smoke and burnt sugar. When he pulled away a few minutes later, his thumbs stroking down her neck and jaw, he looked almost… shy. Maybe even worried. He wouldn’t meet her eyes. So Cassandra took her own hands and placed them over his, twisting their fingers together. 

“I’m not messing around.” Ezekiel said quietly, finally looking directly at her. “I would never do that to you.”

“Not just to me.” Cassandra said, smiling and shaking her head “You would never do that to anyone. I just said it because I was scared. You’d be a lot to lose, Ezekiel Jones.” 

“Well,” he said with his signature cocky smile, placing a finger below her chin. “Lucky for you, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.” she said, grinning again as she let him pull her close for another kiss. After they pulled apart, she shifted, tucking herself into his lap, leaning her head back against his chest. He tipped his chin down onto her forehead, and wrapped his arms around her tightly, their hands meeting on her knees. 

“Thank you, Caz. For trusting me, always. Enough to mess with me, enough to kiss me. Enough to tell me what you did, even after I went off on you at the lake.” 

“Of course.” she leaned back further, so she could look up at him, her eyes wide and genuine. “You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you, ‘Zekiel.” she smiled up at him, squeezing his hands. 

There’s a soft and companionable silence for awhile, while Ezekiel holds Cassandra back against his chest, and she lets the warmth from both him and the fire, and the sound of the crackling fire and soaring waves lull her into a trance while Ezekiel used a thumb to rub circles into the skin of her hand.

“This is one of the other things that makes a campfire to Ezekiel Jones’ liking.” he murmured quietly against Cassandra’s curls. 

“What’s that?” she asked, her voice equally soft as she tilted her head to look at him. 

“A really, really pretty girl.” he said, with something between a grin and a smirk, as he leaned down to kiss her again.

**Author's Note:**

> i loved this episode and the lake scene SO MUCH because using fiction as a guideline for social behaviors is one of my biggest Autism Things and i just needed to write this. title from oviedo blind pilot!


End file.
